SHOCKING: Sexually abused American kids
I
left Austin, Texas at 6:15 this morning. While listening to a news
report, I felt compelled to sit down and write the following message
that it might manifest healing in the lives of those who would read
it..
As
an ice-breaker at a small Bible Study, I once asked the group to
share a story revealing one thing none of us would know know about
them. While every story shared was light-hearted and made us laugh,
eventually, we came to an older gentleman who confessed to being
sexually abused as a boy.
As
a somberness fell upon the attendees, a woman in her 30's told us
she, too, had been sexually abused. Then another person spoke up,
sharing how they had been treated the same way.
Then
another.
In
the end, fully one-half those present admitted to having been
sexually abused as children.
I've
read the statistics pertaining to the United States alone: 30% more
likely to commit violent crimes. 28% more likely to get arrested as
an adult. 15% of all men in prison were sexually abused as well as
36% of all women.
I
could go on and on. It gets ugly. It paints an awful, quite telling
portrait of our culture.
Not
too Rockwellian, is it?
By
now, most of us have heard about the Penn State Predator, Jerry
Sandusky, who sexually abused young boys for years in the football
locker room. Sandusky was convicted on 45 counts of sexual abuse
involving young boys.
The
NCAA leveled sanctions against Penn State for covering this up,
including a $60 million fine – about one year's gross revenues from
the football games alone. Over
the weekend, a statue of legendary Coach Joe Paterno was removed from
Penn State.
Yes,
Joe knew about Sandusky, too, and did nothing.
Former
Penn State President Graham Spanier said he would never have ignored
accusations of child sex abuse on campus had he known because he
"personally experienced massive and persistent abuse as a
child."
HAVE
YOU BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED?
I
know of people who suppressed their abuse so deeply, they either
cannot recall if it really happened to them, or the details are
extremely sketchy. As a result, many have struggled for decades with
spiritual, physical and psychological trauma and stress. Eating and
sleeping disorders, withdrawal, guilt, anger, depression, casting
blame, nightmares, relational issues, these are but a few symptoms
resulting from this sort of trauma.
Spiritually,
people often get mad at God, suddenly turn away from Him, feel
distant from Him, unloved, question their own faith, and refuse to
believe He really cares.
2
Timothy 3:1-5 reads: “In the last days
perilous times will come: For men will be lovers
of themselves, lovers of money,
boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful,
unholy, unloving,
unforgiving, slanderers, without
self-control, brutal, despisers
of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty,
lovers of pleasure rather than
lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power.”
I
just Googled the phrase “Sexual Abuse in Scripture.”
Do
it. You'll be stunned.
HEALING
FROM SEXUAL ABUSE
Following
are Six
Steps to Healing from Sexual Abuse. The authors of this procedure
include Dr. James Dobson, H.
Norman Wright, Tim
and Beverly LaHaye and others. It's good stuff and I pray it will
benefit you!
One-fourth
of American women and a growing number of men have experienced some
form of sexual abuse, ranging all the way from inappropriate talk to
years of repeated physical violation. Sexual abuse produces
emotional, psychological and spiritual damage that devastates some of
its victims.
The
fallout can last for years, even for a lifetime. Victims may
experience fear of relationships, anxiety, a hatred or distrust of
men, an overwhelming sense of shame and guilt, loss of self-worth,
difficulty with sex in marriage, a tendency to promiscuity, and
inability to relate to God. Victims often carry the secret of
their experiences as a heavy burden, afraid of the effect on family
and friends if others knew. Many miss the happiness of a
carefree childhood.
In
Christ there is healing
for people damaged by sexual abuse. As with every other kind of
sin-damage in this fallen world, God's word gives us steps back to
wholeness and his truth sets us free.
Abuse
victims often need professional counseling (Caution: some
secular counselors undermine Christian values). But the
ultimate answers are spiritual. Here are some steps to health
based on principles from the scriptures:
1.
Recover
a Biblical view of sex.
Abuse
victims often have trouble with sex in marriage because they
associate it with painful memories. After sexual trauma, sex
often seems dirty and repulsive. The victim needs to realize
that God does not look at sex that way. Just as we need to get
corrective lenses when our eyes are deceiving us, we need to let
God's word correct our feelings about sex.
In
the creation God "made them male and female" - Genesis
1:27. It was the holy and good God who thought up human anatomy
and sexual attraction. "God saw all that he had made and
it was very good" - Genesis 1:31. God commanded Adam
and Eve to come together. They did so with his blessing -
Genesis 1:28; 2:24.
God
gave us sex as a beautiful gift. The scriptures celebrate the
joy of sexual love within holy marriage - Proverbs 5; Song of
Solomon; 1 Corinthians 5:2-5; Hebrews 13:4. If we
associate sex with shame and abuse, it is only because of what the
sinful world has done to it. God says sex is good. He does not
want us to see it as bad. The abuse victim may see this with
the mind; it takes longer to convince his or her emotions. But
this has to happen before there can be healing.
2.
Learn the difference between true and false guilt, and accept God's
forgiveness for any guilt that is real.
Often
abuse victims carry a huge burden of guilt and condemn themselves
because of what has happened. Though much abuse happens before
a child is old enough to know right and wrong, many victims hold
themselves unreasonably accountable, as though they should have been
thinking like adults when they were small. God would not expect
of them what they demand of themselves. Abusers are devilishly
clever at leading children by gradual steps. Bribes or threats
are often used, things that an adult can handle, but not a child.
Victims of all ages are raped against their will.
People
who have suffered abuse often run on an endless treadmill of guilt
and never feel clean or forgiven. "I know God forgives
others, but I don't believe God can forgive my sin. Other
people could not forgive or accept me if they knew my secret."
We
need to get a Biblical view of forgiveness. God has forgiven
millions of adulterers and immoral people who were grown up and chose
to do what they did; how much more can he accept people who were too
young to be responsible, or who were forced into wrong behavior!
King
David committed adultery with Bathsheba, wife of Uriah, and then had
Uriah killed to cover things up. Yet when David came to his
senses and cried to God for forgiveness, God forgave him - 2 Kings
11,12; Psalms 32,51. Jesus took a lot of time teaching a
woman who had been through five divorces and was now living with a
man. He changed her life - John 4.
Jesus
forgave the woman who had been caught in adultery and set her on a
new path - John 8:1-11. He forgave the prostitute who washed his feet
with her tears of repentance - Luke 7:36-50. The Corinthians
had committed all kinds of sexual sin and perversion, yet they had
been "washed, made holy, justified" when they came to
Christ - 1 Corinthians 6:9-11.
When
Christ forgives us, we are "born again;" the old person we
were is buried with Christ and we begin a new life, clean and free -
John 3:3-5; Romans 6:3-5; 2 Corinthians 5:17. And
when God forgives, He really forgives! "Though your sins
are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red
as crimson, they shall be like wool" - Isaiah 1:18. "As
far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our
transgressions from us" - Psalm 103:3,8-13. "You will
again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and
hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea" - Micah
7:19.
God
wants to forgive us so much that he gave up his own Son to die a
cruel death for us in payment for our sins - Romans 5:8; 1
Peter 3:18; Isaiah 53:4-6; John 3:16. Jesus wanted
so much to forgive us that he volunteered to die. If you are
penitent for your sins, what would Jesus say to you about them if you
were talking with him today?
Before
Paul became Christ's apostle, he mistakenly persecuted Christians and
tried to wipe out the gospel of Christ. He imprisoned
Christians and caused some to die. He forced some to deny
Christ in order to save their lives. Later, as a preacher of
Christ, he could remember faces of people he had destroyed and hear
their cries. Yet he knew Christ had forgiven him. He
could not change the past, but he could turn loose of it and use the
rest of his life to serve God and other people. Paul said God
chose him as a preacher so he would be an exhibit of how great God's
forgiveness is. Read 1 Timothy 1:12-16.
Some
of us, like Paul, would give almost anything to go back and change
some things in our past. We can't do that, but we do have a choice
about what we will do with our life from today onward. If you
are still reproaching yourself for things for which you were not
responsible, stop it and get on with serving God. If you feel
that you reasonably bear some of the responsibility for what
happened, confess that to God and accept his forgiveness. Then,
like Paul, "forget what is behind and press on toward what is
ahead" in Christ - Philippians 3:12-14.
It
is time to rest from what you have been carrying for so long.
Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and
I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,
for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your
souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" -
Matthew 11:28-30.
The
bad things that happened to you did not come from God, but he is so
great that he can use your experiences to make you a helper of other
people who struggle with the same things.
3.
Realize that the hold of the past is blocking God's purpose for your
life today.
Your
life may be controlled by guilt, self-hate, and by resentment toward
God and the abuser. Much of your mind and energy are
unavailable to God, to your family, your work. You may think,
“I would give anything to be emotionally free and whole again.”
Yet the painful emotions seem impossible to throw off. They are
ever with you, no matter how hard you try. Let me encourage you
not to give up. Christ really is greater than any problem we
have. By His help and that of caring Christians, you can
gradually gain more freedom. You can become more and more able
to resolve the painful memories of the past, give everything into
God's hands, and live the abundant life God planned for you.
You can experience positive blessings. Over time, these good
memories will replace the bad ones at the center of your heart.
God wants you to be free.
4.
You will never be free until you forgive your abuser and turn
vengeance over to God.
If
you are controlled by continuing bitterness and depression, this
allows the abuser to continue to destroy your life. Your abuser
has done enough to you already. By hating the person, you give that
person continuing control over you. By God’s grace you have a
choice.
There
cannot be a complete transaction of forgiveness and reconciliation
unless the abuser repents and asks your forgiveness. You should
work toward that if possible - Matthew 18:15; Romans 12:18. But
even if the person is not penitent, you can decide to stop resenting
and leave it to God to deal with the person. "'It is mine
to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord" - Romans 12:17-21.
Even
before people apologize, Jesus teaches us to have a spirit of
forgiveness. On the cross Jesus prayed forgiveness for His
murderers. Forgiveness does not mean you approve what the
person has done. If there were no sin there would be nothing to
forgive. Forgiveness just means deciding to cancel the debt.
It is important to realize that forgiveness is more a decision of the
will than a feeling. Ask God for strength to make that
decision.
When
you are able to honestly pray for the salvation of your abuser, you
will have come a long way. God also wants the abuser to come to his
or her right mind and be forgiven. As a child of God, you need
to think like God does. Forgiving your abuser and relinquishing
everything to God is a big step toward reclaiming your life.
(Note:
If the person who abused you is in a position to harm others in the
same way, you have an obligation to protect them by informing someone
responsible who can help the abuser stop his behavior, and/or protect
others from him).
5.
Measure your self-worth by God's measure.
Sexual
abuse victims may hate themselves or feel dirty, damaged and
worthless. They may have no self-esteem left. They feel
that others would reject them if their secret were known. A lot
of lives are ruined because we measure our worth by the world's
standards rather than seeing ourselves as God sees us. God made
us and we are every one dear to Him. When bad things happen to
us, or even when we mess up our lives, God longs after us just like
any good parent does his or her child. You are so valuable to
God that God gave up His own Son to save you.
When
Jesus talked to people, saints or sinners, each person sensed how
much he or she was loved and valued by Jesus. There was no
person who was not worth Jesus' time and concern. Look at how
He treated the Samaritan woman at the well, John 4. The sinners
and outcasts of Jesus' day were so valuable to Jesus that He endured
harsh criticism in order to spend time with them. Knowing what
you do about Jesus, how do you think He would talk to you if you
visited with Him today? Jesus does not feel disgust at you
because of what you have experienced. He only feels sorrow for
what you have suffered and a great desire to help you be well.
Your
emotions will deny this, but the truth about Jesus in the gospels is
more reliable than your traumatized emotions are. You are
really are valuable and you have a wonderful potential if you let
Jesus heal and direct your life.
6.
Let Christ heal your painful memories.
Just
when you think things are getting better, something triggers the
memories again and the pain and loathing return. This is
because the memories have not been resolved as God's word teaches.
They are so painful that we often stuff them back down in our
subconscious and put the lid on them rather than resolving them
scripturally. We may try to escape the pain through denial,
substance or alcohol abuse, workaholism, a series of relationships,
or some other temporary fix. But as long as painful memories
are repressed, they are always there ready to return and interfere
with our lives.
There
is nothing that can happen to a person but what there is wisdom in
God's word for handling it constructively. The Bible gives us
steps to take when someone hurts us, when we hurt someone else, when
tragedy comes, when we have messed up. When bad things happen
to us, we often start out dealing with it in the world's way, not
God's way. It doesn't work, and the problem keeps surfacing.
But God has a way. Whether something happened thirty years ago,
or three years, or three days ago, we still need to resolve it in
God's way and really put it to rest.
This
means doing something we are not inclined to do. We have to
bring out the painful memories, relive them mentally, and this time
begin dealing with the events the way God teaches us to. Having
begun to see things through God's eyes, we can now respond
differently. If we have been in denial, we have to face the
reality of what has happened, but this time knowing that the loving
support of God is with us. We have to admit how angry we really
are, and then deal with anger in Biblical ways. We have to let
ourselves grieve, and realize that God will not condemn us for
grieving. If we are angry with God, we have to admit that too.
Then we work toward trusting Him.
For
some people, this process is too difficult without the help of a
qualified counselor. For others, it is enough to spend a series
of times alone working through things. The process is
accompanied by Bible reading and honest prayer. The memories
will always be painful, but they become more manageable as the strong
emotions are resolved in God's way and the whole need handed over to
him - 1 Peter 5:7.
PLEASE
FORWARD this article. Someone you know has probably been sexually
abused as a child. Deliverance is available through Jesus Christ.
He's STILL in the healing business!
Every
blessing,
Michael
Tummillo
Founder,
The Church @ Work
month as a service to a needy family in our community.” What led to this movingly spiritual experience? His son and a young man from their church spent four hours installing insulation and a vapor barrier under the mobile home. He told me, "they worked for four hours in that dark, cramped space—their backs in the mud, spiders crawling on them, and dirt falling in their eyes and mouths.” My friend said he felt he was witnessing a worship service in an entirely new way. He realized, "they are doing this for Jesus. It’s their love for Him that is motivating them to work in such a secret, selfless, and sacrificial way.” Their work spoke.
